Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize