Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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