I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
