You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize