I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
