My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
