you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
