yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
is wine microwaveable?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
