my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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