I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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