I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
