I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
