I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
