so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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