On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
