I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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