I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
