someone threw a dead crab at me
i can't believe i had my finger in that
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
