Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
