Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I licked your asshole in confidence.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
