Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
