My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Your penis caused this!
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