I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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