I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
