I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Sext me about skeletons
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
