I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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