i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
