I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
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