Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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