I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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