So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
