I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
