plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
