last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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