i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
