One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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