based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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