Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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