evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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