My hand turned me down
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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