this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize