I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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