remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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