Don't make out with my wife yet
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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