so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
