She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
