My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
