New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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