Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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