I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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