her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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