Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
