i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
