you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize