If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my shit smells like andre
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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