Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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