were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
