Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
