We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
