I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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