It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
