There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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