Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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