some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
